Safe Words (and where are they in my stories?)

I was recently thinking about safe words… and decided to make this post, due to the fact I feel they’re important, but am also aware my writing doesn’t tend to include them!

This is a rambling post from me, as my regular readers may now be used to! My thoughts on these things are often changing and evolving, and how I feel about things is not set in stone. Comments or further thought or discussion can alter how I feel about topics that I post about. Sometimes people comment with things that I hadn’t even thought to consider. I’m curious and interested in any comments on this.

So, in general my writing has an absence of safe words either being used or discussed in text. Some of this is due to reasons regarding setting, and some of it… is… just missing.

I’m going to begin with writing what I feel about safe words and their importance in anything that’s real (rather than a fictional story).

Firstly, I believe people should always have a safe word of some sort in place.

Do you think you’ll never need to use it? Excellent, then have one and you’ll [probably] just never use it.

One argument against I’ve seen is ‘but what if it’s a punishment?’

Someone actually said this to me about tickling – what if it’s a penalty tickle. Doesn’t the safe word stop it being a real penalty? I kinda disengaged with messaging that person… But the thing is, things can go wrong in a spanking, or tickling, or whatever else that the Top might be unaware of. The bottom might have an unrelated pain or cramp. In tickling, they might be in bondage and pull or strain a muscle, or dislocate something. I read a post once about someone saying they’d banged their head on the bedframe while receiving a spanking. Somewhere else, I read a post by someone relating they’d been feeling a little under the weather when the spanking began, and suddenly realised they were about to be sick – and used their safe to indicate they needed to stop.

Things can go wrong that have nothing to do with the play, scene, or punishment, that the Top might be unaware of. And if it really is meant to be a punishment? Perhaps it can restart or continue once the issue has been resolved! But I think there should always be a way for the bottom to quickly signal that something is Very Wrong if they need to.

I used to do some stuff with fire (to clarify: not kink stuff. I mean like fire poi and things). And we had what was effectively a safe word for when someone was one fire! This is because the word ‘fire’ is said a lot when you play with fire, and people often say things like ‘you’re on fire’ or ‘light me on fire’ when talking about lighting their equipment. As a result, we had the word ‘orange’ which we used only if someone had ACTUALLY caught fire. We’d say for example, “[name] your sleeve is Orange.”

There was a very strict rule on this that we could NEVER joke about this. You could not use ‘orange’ to describe or talk about fire unless someone was Actually On Fire. Joking about this was an instantly ban-able offence from the club. It needed to remain something that people would take Seriously if they heard it. Funny thing is… you don’t always immediately notice when your clothes catch fire! Especially when spinning fire stuff around. That’s why you need to be able to be told! And you need to believe the person who’s telling you, and not think they’re having a laugh.

I think the same is true of safe words when playing etc. They should never be used lightly, or for teasing. Saying a safe word when you don’t need to is NOT a form of bratting. Safe words should never be used to ‘cry wolf’ because you need to be taken seriously when you use them. They’re not a ‘get out of jail free’ card – though if someone’s tempted to use them this way, perhaps it’s questionable whether a spanking relationship is something they truly want…

So that’s why they should (in my opinion) still be used even when it’s a ‘punishment’ – because the bottom may still need a way to indicate if something goes Wrong. But they’re not using them to ‘get out’ of punishment.

But Where Are They in My Stories?

Well, partly this is just a distinction between fiction and reality. For a more streamlined story-telling, I kind of ignored them in most of my stories as I was worried they’d disrupt the flow my the storytelling (I now don’t think it would have though in most cases and I wish I’d included them to be honest, but what’s written is written. I am trying to include them more in future writing). Real and Fiction are different things and I have previously made a post about Consent and the Difference Between Reality and Fiction.

However, the fact they don’t exist in all my stories does NOT mean I think they shouldn’t exist in real life. My stories often have non-modern and other-world settings with different rules and norms. Also, what’s ok in fiction isn’t always ok in real life, and just because something’s in one of my stories doesn’t mean I think it’s a representation of what I think should happen in reality.

For some of my stories, my lack of safe words is settings-based:

In Sandra and Janet, it’s set in rural 1950s America, and Sandra and Janet are unaware at the time of their story of any kink-scene etc.

In Arlene’s Apprentice, it’s a totally different world, and I chose not to have safe-words discussed/used to streamline the writing. It is my belief that any Top in my story would stop if a character behaved in a worrying or concerning way. This story is fantasy, and not reflective of how I think a real life dynamic should work.

Some of my stories have a more modern setting:

In Nicola and Hattie, I actually presume they do have some sort of safe word in place, though it’s not discussed in text (at the moment – this may change. Update: It’s now been canonically established they have safe words as of Chapter 6). They have a spanking/discipline relationship in place before the start of the series, and I assume they have safe words (but haven’t needed to use them in any of the chapters I’ve written). I might even include their use or discussion in a later chapter at some point.

In My Name is Anna:

I actually don’t think Rose and Lucy have safe words [Retraction: I have now changed my views slightly on this section and believe there are safe words between the characters of this story, though my text did not explicitly address them. I am not certain Rose and Lucy had them at the start of their relationship in the 80s, but I think they do by the time we hit the 2000s].

I think this is partly to do with them likely not considering it at the time they began their relationship (in the 80s, after having both grown up with spanking). They would likely know of them by the time of the modern story, but I sort of feel they would continue as they have done, with what has been working for them.

That said, I definitely believe Rose would stop (or at least pause) if Lucy (or Anna) said or did something unexpected or worrying, and Lucy/Anna know this – Lucy talks at various points about the trust she puts in Rose.

In story, I have written in occasions where she’s stopped due to something the bottom did/said. When Anna’s phone rings back in Chapter 2 and Anna says she needs to answer it, Rose stops and lets her. Another time, when Anna says ‘this is physical abuse’ (repeating how her date had described BDSM), Rose immediately stops what she is doing and questions what made Anna say that. I also wrote her as checking in sometimes afterwards about things (I can’t remember where, but in one scene after she tickles Lucy and Lucy calls her mean, she asks her seriously ‘was it too mean?’)

I still don’t think their set up is the ideal (as I said above, I think sometimes things can happen that the Top isn’t aware of). But I think within the context of my [fictional] story, this works for me. There are some people that are also happy with this set up in real life; personally I wouldn’t be. I also feel it can put a lot of pressure on the Top to not mess up. If I was a Top, I don’t know how comfortable I’d feel topping someone who didn’t have a safe word in place.

For Kate and Anna… I think they might have safe words, even though I didn’t put it in the text. Kate did a lot of reading and research when Anna came out to her about the subject (there’s a chapter where she’s looking it up and tells Anna she thinks she’s a ‘brat’). For them, spanking was something they both experienced only as an adult, and for Kate, only [mainly] in the context of her relationship with Anna, so I feel they’re more likely to have a specific safe word agreement.

Again at the very least, I believe Kate would also stop if Anna said/did something unexpected or concerning.

I have already written those chapters now where Kate and Anna first discuss spanking etc, but if I was doing them again, I’d probably include safe word discussion between Anna and Kate when they first explore their spanking relationship together.

As for my one-shot stories… I would think that Emily and Melanie in The Goddess’s Temple definitely have safe words. In the description I also noted that Emily is aware of Melanie’s specific limits (eg. tickling is a soft limit for her).

In The Warrior and the Tree Sprite I used a bit of a fantasy-based get-out by having the tree sprite able to sense the warrior’s needs/feelings/emotions with magic – which in the fantasy context sort of negated the need for spoken consent / safe words.

In conclusion:

I think safe words are important and should always be used, even though when they are not in my writing. I think some of their absence is explained by context or setting, some of it is simply a fiction/reality distinction where I’ve not written them in as it can disrupt the flow of the story, and sometimes I wish I’d included them now, but didn’t at the time.

I’m also aware that not everyone’s views on this are the same. If both people involved in a relationship have had a discussion and made an informed choice to proceed without safe words, that’s their decision. I personally wouldn’t, as I think it can be risky in a way I don’t like. But if both people are happy with it, they have the freedom to make that choice.

As per my intro, I’m interested in any further thoughts or discussion on this topic, and my thoughts on it are not set in stone. I have made a few edits to this post since first writing it.