Negotiating a Spanking Scene as a Bottom: Points For Consideration

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I recently answered an online question someone had asked about negotiating as a bottom for spanking scene. I ended up creating a bit of a list of things to think about, and thought it would be an idea to share it here.

I don’t know the exact breakdown of who reads my blog, but I imagine that among people reading or stumbling upon it, it may include people who are new to playing, or not entirely sure what to think about when negotiating, etc.

There’s some obvious stuff, like ‘what’s your safeword’ that most people know and think of, but what about negotiating beyond that? I think it can create a better, safer, and/or more rewarding scene the more you’re able to talk and discuss things beforehand.

I have been very lucky in the last year and a bit in that I’ve had the opportunity to play with a number of people, both as a bottom, and as a top, and sometimes switching within a scene (and though I consider myself bottom-leaning headspace-wise, much of my actual play has been as a top as many of my spanko friends are bottoms or bottom-leaning). I’ve learned a little about how I like to negotiate, and what I find useful and helpful to bring up and discuss.

First (as usual) there are a few notes/disclaimers:

1. My experience isn’t highly extensive and I do not consider myself anything like an expert or authority on this topic. I am simply sharing things I have found helpful to consider within my own personal experience, and the experiences of other people I know.
2. The list is not exhaustive: I may have forgotten or not thought to include something.
3. Not every point will apply or be relevant to everyone, and you can negotiate however you wish if you feel this list isn’t right for you.
4. This is not about arranging a scene with a professional. If you’re doing that, there may be other/different points to consider that I am unaware of.
5. This post is about negotiating as a bottom. Some points may also be relevant to tops, but it’s bottoming I had in mind when writing it. I may write about negotiating as a top another time.  
6. The points are in no particular order. ie. It’s not ‘most important first’ or anything.

Another note: This list is long, does that mean I take AGES to negotiate?

The simply answer is no, not usually. It depends whether I know the person already, how casually we’re playing, and other factors. This is just a list of everything I think of that you might want to consider. You don’t have to address every point and you may not feel you need a detailed negotiation before every scene. It’s up to you. This is more a prompt sheet for things you might want to discuss or think about than a tick list of things you HAVE to.

Ok, now that’s out the way…

Points of consideration when negotiating as a bottom:

• Level of comfort: When discussing whether something is acceptable or not, it’s worth talking to your play partner about your level of comfort or like of the thing broadly, not just a yes/no for whether or not it’s a limit.
  
  For example, something might ruin the headspace a bit for you, or make the scene less enjoyable, but not be unacceptable or a limit. Some things may add nothing to the scene, but take nothing away from it. And some things may be a show stopper. You can also say if you’re unsure how something will affect you in the scene, and whether you wish to try it or not.
  
  This first point may apply to [m]any of the further points below.

• Safe words: As well as picking your word and making sure you both know what it is, it can be worth discussing what specifically you want to happen when you say your safe word.
  
  Some people (me included) like to use a traffic light system. I might use them as follows:
  
  Red: Stop all play and release me from any pinned or held position immediately. Scene unlikely to resume.
  Yellow: Pause all play and ask me what is wrong or needs to change. Only continue once I say Green.
  Green: Continue scene if it was stopped.
  
  However, the exact meaning and use vary person to person and scene to scene – there’s no ‘correct’ way. Some people use ‘green’ to mean they want more/harder. Some people use yellow to signal slow down or ease off, but not necessarily stop or pause. You can use them however you like, as long as both you and your play partner are on the same page over what will happen if you say them.
  
  The important part is to have them in place, and know what will happen if they get said.
  
  As a related aside, I personally find it useful to practice saying them out loud, so that I am more likely to be able to use them in the scene if needed. You may also ask your partner to practice responding to a safe word. A bit like a fire drill.
  
  Make sure it’s clear in advance that’s what you’re doing if you want to do that though. Using a safe word as a ‘joke’ (etc) is a serious no-go.

• Level of undress: What level of undress are you happy and comfortable with. Not just about taking underwear down, but what about other clothes? People vary from wanting to be anything from fully nude to fully clothed and all sorts of in-between combinations. You might be ok taking your underpants down, but not taking your top off.
  
  Also, how do you feel about private parts? One tip: having your underpants taken down once over someone’s lap, or wearing a dress/skirt, will typically afford more privacy in this way than jeans/trousers, or taking underwear down or off before getting into position.
  
  
• Scolding: Are there any words, phrases, or types of scolding you don’t want to hear or are not ok with?  
  
  How do you feel about being scolded for real things, and how ‘real’ can it get? If you want to be scolded for real things, are there no-go areas and where is the line? For example, are you ok with being scolded about something that happened at work?
  
  Personally, I have a limit for being scolded over anything related to my obsessive compulsive disorder or related mental health issues, as I don’t wish to mix this with spanking (etc).  
  
  A type of scene that works well for me when I want a disciplinary vibe that feels like it’s for something ‘real’ without it being genuinely serious is to be punished for something like sticking my tongue out, backtalk, or general ‘bratty’ behaviour. We can then suspend our disbelief for the purpose of the scene and act like what I did is in serious need of disciplinary correction. Remember to check what type and level of ‘bratting’ your play partner is happy with receiving if you play in this way.
  
  Do you have feelings about specific phrasing – eg. Some people may prefer for the focus to be on the thing (“you did a naughty thing”) rather than on them as a person (“you’re a naughty girl”)
  
  Are there things that are off limits to mention (eg. Appearance, intelligence).
  
  How do you feel about slurs or degrading language, and where’s the line for you?
  
  Are there any specific words that are triggering or upsetting to be called? For example, I find it triggering and upsetting to be called ‘manipulative’ or ‘controlling’ in a scene eg. In response to bratting, as I was often called this as a child when unable to control my not-yet-diagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder.
  
  Any other things you do, or do not want to hear. For example, some people may have feelings about ‘dirty talk’ erotic/sexual language, or pointing out you ‘like it’ or are turned on, etc.
  
  Any other limits related to scolding (eg. Shouting is a limit for some people).

• Position: OTK (over the knee) is often a favourite but there are variations within that. Will you want or need your upper body (and/or legs) supported, such as lying across the lap of the top on a sofa or bed, or would you mind, or maybe prefer to be unsupported eg. with the top sitting on a chair. Personally, I find the former more comfortable and better for longer scenes, but the latter to be more headspacey, and more suitable for certain disciplinary vibes.
  
  If you’d prefer not to be over the top’s lap for whatever reason, there are other options such as lying over pillows on a bed, bending over the back of a sofa or chair, or even just standing up. In some cases, the implement being used may impact (no pun intended) the position(s) that will be effective. A cane, for example, is gonna be pretty awkward to use OTK! (unless you have one of those otk canes…). And speaking of implements…

• Implements: Do you have any implement preferences, or limits?
  
  
• Pain levels and intensity: Some people might like a spanking to be hard and intense from the start. Others may prefer or need a longer warm up. For some, it may vary depending on the vibe of the scene.
  
  Not every scene has to push your pain limits.
  
  
• Marking: I think it can be tricky to have too-specific limits around certain types of marking, as different people mark and bruise differently, and it’s not always possible to know or be in control of how it’s going to end up looking, as bruises can come up later.
  
  However, it’s still worth discussing. If you want to decrease bruising, things that help include having a long warm up, and picking implements that are less likely to bruise deeply (eg. A stingy spoon over a thuddy paddle).
  
  You may want the top to stop once they notice welts or bruises, and some people have limits around breaking skin.
  
  Of course, some people go the other way, and love to see the marks and bruises afterwards. I am one of those people.

• Level of intimacy: Think about where you can and cannot be touched. Even if you think an area might not be relevant to touch in the scene you’re doing, it can be worth mentioning if being touched there is a limit for you. Common areas that may be off limits may include genitals, breasts, neck, or even feet. You may also have feelings about how close to your face the top can get.

• Being pinned or restrained: Are you ok being pinned or restrained, and how? How do you feel about having your hand or wrist pinned? What about being leg locked?
  
  If you are using cuffs or restraints, there may need to be even further discussion. I am not going to go into detail about restraints as they’re a whole topic unto themselves. But for some basic stuff: think about comfort, circulation, and safety – if something goes wrong, can the top release you quickly?

• Being told to keep still: Related to the restraint point above, how do you feel about being told you have to remain still, and what level of strictness about this do you want, or are you ok with?   
  
  
• Medical Conditions: Do you have any medical conditions or physical limitations your play partner should know about? It doesn’t have to be a huge thing.
  
  For example, I have low blood pressure and may briefly get dizzy or even faint after being OTK, especially if my head was lower than my body. It’s not dangerous, but I like the top to be aware so they’re not alarmed if it happens, and know what to do if it does. In my case, I just need to be able to sit for a few minutes and have a bit of water to feel better.  

• Secondary punishments: Mouthsoaping, corner time, writing lines, and various other ‘secondary punishments’ are not uncommon for people into spanking to also be into, and may be things you want to happen in your scene.
  
  Each one may need its own discussion if it’s going to be a part of how you play. Consider things like if there’s an upper limit to how long you can do cornertime, how many lines you can reasonably write, any limits related to mouthsoaping, and so on.
  
  For example, I have chronic back pain and have some limits around how long I can do things like keep my hands on my head, as this position can exacerbate my existing back pain.

• Things you want/need to retain control over: Are there specific things that you’re not ok about a top trying to control during a scene?
  
  For example, it is a limit for me to be denied or delayed access to the bathroom as I have endometriosis, and find it more difficult/painful to hold the toilet.

• Level of privacy: Where are you happy to play? Is it ok for the window to be open? If you’re at a spanking party, how do you feel about a public or semi-public scene? Are there limits over who can witness and be present? For example, you may only be happy for it to be witnessed by other people you’d also be comfortable playing with.
  
  Common etiquette is often for onlookers not to get involved or comment on your scene while it’s in progress anyway, but it may be worth stating specifically if you’re not ok receiving commentary etc from other people watching or present.  
  
  
• Limits: Any other specific limits you have that are not covered by one of the above points.
  
  Remember, you don’t need a ‘good reason’ for your limits, and you do not have to justify them.
  
  If there is something you don’t want to do, or that you don’t want to happen to you, it is enough for you to feel that way without there needing to be a ‘reason’. There doesn’t gave to be past trauma or medical reasons or anything other explanation.
  
  It’s valid to just not want something to be part of how you play. If someone won’t accept that, demands a ‘good enough reason,’ questions, or pushes back on your limits, my advice would be to not play with them. I would have serious concerns about their understanding of boundaries and consent.  
  
  That said, if there is a specific reason for you having a certain limit, you can share it if you want to. I sometimes find it helpful to do this as it gives the top context. Still, you’re not obligated to explain, and your limits should be respected regardless.
  
  
• Aftercare: What are your needs after the scene is over? Some people like to have lots of cuddles, while others may prefer to be left alone. A cup of tea and a snack may be a good idea, and I personally like to take a nap after a hard scene. It can be useful to discuss with your play partner what you may be in need of post-scene, before you play.

• Anything you DO want to happen: If there’s anything you especially want to be part of the scene, make sure you tell your play partner! Negotiation is the perfect time to let them know if there’s a certain position, or role-play set up you want to try, or if you love being taken by the ear, or whatever.

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That’s all I’ve got for now. As I said, perhaps I will write a similar list for negotiating as a top at some point… Let me know of any additional points you’ve got in the comments.