My blog is mostly spanking and discipline stories. If you’re here for those, please see my spanking stories index.
I originally made this post on my Fetlife and I am cross-posting here.
I’ve occasionally come across a little disconnect in understanding or being on the same page as someone else (or witnessed or heard of others experiencing this), at least partly due to how some terms/definitions are used a little differently in some sub-groups or communities within BDSM (or other spaces) compared to others.
In particular, how we use the terms Top/bottom differs a little in spanko specific spaces compared to general BDSM spaces (and also general queer culture usage).
So I’m writing about this as best I understand it, as someone who interacts in spanko specific, broader BDSM, and general queer spaces, and as a person who considers myself a queer lesbian spanko, who also has another fetish and other kink interests.
In BDSM (and general queer culture), Top/bottom may often refer simply to the position of the person (eg. during a sex or other BDSM act), or refers to who is the giver (top) or receiver (bottom) of an activity (regardless of what the power dynamic is), while Dom(me)/sub refers to the power dynamic (who is being ‘dominant’ or ‘submissive’), regardless of physical position.
However, among spankos, the terms Top and bottom are often used to refer to anything to do with the position (who is giving/receiving) as well as anything to do with the power exchange. They’re often used both for how Top/bottom and Dom(me)/sub may be used in broader BDSM.
For spankos, who is physically the top (position/ giver of the spanking) and who is the top (power dynamic) when a power dynamic is present tends to align. This may not be the case with other BDSM related activities, or sex acts.
Dom[me]/sub are often not used by many spankos at all, who may feel it implies a certain particular vibe they’re not necessarily into (eg. they may not consider themselves ‘submissive’ even if they are a bottom, and even if they play with a power exchange or dynamic). Or they may feel it implies a certain more ‘general BDSM-style’ look/vibe to their scene or dynamic.
Spankos will talk about eg. “acting toppy” meaning, for example, being stern, or taking control, etc.
Meanwhile, spanker/spankee may also be used when referring simply to the positions of the participants, in a way more similar to how Top/bottom might be used in broader BDSM and general queer culture.
As a final note, I am sure not everyone will agree with my definitions and usage notes here. There will be variation between individual groups too. I’ve run my understanding of it by a few people in spanko-circles I’m in (UK and US), and also read some definitions given by others in BDSM and also general queer spaces.
What I describe here does at least appear to be the case for the circles and communities I am interacting within.
I hope it may also clear up some confusion as to why the terms seem to have shifting usage depending on who you’re talking to, if you’ve come across that…
Emma's Story Corner 